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SliPKnuT
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

David Lynch on Product Placement




"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

Old Post 09-02-07 08:33 PM
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SliPKnuT
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

Ideas




"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

Old Post 09-02-07 08:36 PM
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SliPKnuT
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

Thanksgiving Prayer By: William S. Burroughs




"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

Old Post 09-02-07 08:38 PM
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SliPKnuT
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

Bird That Uses Cars as a Nut Cracker




"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

Old Post 09-02-07 08:49 PM
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SliPKnuT
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

I might put this on my phone so I can watch it if I'm having a bad day.

I cannot watch this dude without cracking up.

Googity googity goo!!!

Family Guy - Quagmire Compilation




"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

Old Post 09-03-07 03:56 AM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

Last year’s National Poetry Contest came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu”.

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin’ we went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 09-04-07 06:30 PM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman, so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare. With that in mind he set out on a mission to find the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

“Well,” the Redneck replied, “they’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don’t you look ‘em over and pick the one you want?”

The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a wee bit - not that you can hardly notice - pigeon-toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a wee bit - not that you can hardly tell - crosseyed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry.”

The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explained the Redneck, “she was just a wee bit - not that you could hardly tell - pregnant when you met her.”




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 09-04-07 06:33 PM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

Before you go out getting sloppy drunk and start phoning every friend, family, relative, or random person you can come across - there are a few rules you must know. Etiquette is very important, especially when drunk dialing.

Only drunk dial when you’re drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
It’s okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
If you’re going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. “Mom I’m in McDonald’s and they’re playing our song. I love you.”
Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn’t want to hear raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to get bent over?
Voicemails are always better. This way your friends can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, or even weeks to come.
Drunk texting is OK, but only if you’re prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you sober up.
It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they ever had, and everything they know they learned from you. This way you can all sleep well at night.
You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain that I would still love me too!
If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
It’s always a good idea to sing on someone’s answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted, or dirty and sex crazed… Never angry.
Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They’re usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that “you have a problem”.
If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is a bad thing which usually leads to angry dialing.
If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend’s. It’s karma.




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 09-04-07 06:37 PM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

riddle

The Riddle:

I am a three digit number.
My tens digit is five more than my ones digit.
My hundreds digit is eight less than my tens digit.
What number am I?




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 09-04-07 06:42 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

194




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-04-07 07:47 PM
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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can
take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband
said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it,
because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee. "Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would
find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 09-04-07 10:45 PM
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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look
and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

Are - my - test - results - back?"




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 09-04-07 10:45 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-05-07 04:00 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Why Parents Drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No,"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"

"Yes,"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No,"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a
helicopter,"

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"Me."




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-05-07 07:25 AM
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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

Thanks TD!, I got a good chuckle from that




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 09-05-07 06:00 PM
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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."



"Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 09-07-07 04:33 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!!!!!! I'm sharing that one with friends.




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-07-07 07:15 PM
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fallforward
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Registered: May 2007
Posts: 2688

on the asian side...

...A white guy falls madly in love with a chinese woman who happens to own a restraunt. After a torrid love affair sweeter than duck sauce they decide to marry. On their wedding night, the man expresses mid-coitus to his new jasmine bride than he really wants to try "69" tonight. The woman jumps out of bed, and yells,

"You want beef with brocoree NOW!!!"


GL today!
ff




"Do what you can with what you have, with the time in place, in the place you are."

Old Post 09-07-07 11:28 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Horse back riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup,
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say "Hello."




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-11-07 03:00 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

US Postal Service Issues Recall

The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of President George Bush to honor his achievements while serving as the president of our nation.

The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the "Bush" postage was not being delivered.

President Bush demanded a full investigation into the allegations.

A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:

*The stamp was manufactured properly.
*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
*People were just spitting on the wrong side




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-11-07 05:31 AM
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