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The Leading Logic In Sports Handicapping

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Riverfish
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Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

This belongs here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uLQOYtpZsA





My YouTube Channel

Old Post 03-29-10 08:20 AM
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Riverfish
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

Senator (heaven or hell)

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in n heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.. .



Today you voted."




My YouTube Channel

Old Post 04-03-10 03:39 PM
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toti emul esto
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 580

Pilot Humor

SHORT AND SWEET

Aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

A pilot overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . Read below....

The conversation...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

U.S. Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

U.S. Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up. I'll wait!'

Iranian Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence) Date: 02/17/09 07:07:00




http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2118..._f10b9ae2a7.jpg

There is no Try. There is Only Do or Do Not.
-- Yoda

Old Post 04-04-10 05:10 AM
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Bytore
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jan 2003
Posts: 15319

Toti emul esto. I was trying to look you up!!!

It it no time for humor, let's rant on charting in the Den!!!



"Toti emul esto".

You know how hard that name is to remember???

Sounds Mexican...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPVI73Ocxg8

I have built more!!! You will be a HOF one day, I assure you. : )

Not that it has any monetary value, it just looks good when ya post...

Mexicans...

Old Post 04-04-10 06:08 AM
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Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Maine, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 04-18-10 03:48 AM
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markinc7
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Registered: Nov 2008
Posts: 2831

http://yougottobekidding.wordpress....d-all-that-far/

Old Post 05-06-10 12:43 PM
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Prime Time
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jul 2007
Posts: 2083

I like monkeys!

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for 5 a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200.

I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.

Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell really bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.

The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying.

Ingrates.




Up front there ought to be a man in black.

Old Post 05-07-10 02:08 AM
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Bo-Knows


Registered: Sep 2007
Posts: 264

Prime Time??

Did I miss the punch line here or were you just monkeying with us?




AKA: Ragtop

Old Post 05-07-10 03:53 AM
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Prime Time
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jul 2007
Posts: 2083

Bo

Slightly.

Looking for one other person who found this amusing. So far....just me.

Anyone? Anyone?




Up front there ought to be a man in black.

Old Post 05-07-10 05:11 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Almost embarassed to say I thought it was hilarious. Actually better than the old "pass out the Christmas fruitcake" story. lol




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 05-07-10 08:38 AM
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markinc7
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2008
Posts: 2831

Hilarious LMAO

MORE MONKEYS




"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."
Thomas Jefferson

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."
Albert Einstein

Old Post 05-08-10 04:11 AM
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Riverfish
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

blondie

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of a shopkeeper, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration..... 'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!




My YouTube Channel

Old Post 05-15-10 12:10 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL.....I love blonde jokes. :)

Here's another.....

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow
behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of
the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next
street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole
digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are
putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and
fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I
suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a
three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees
called out sick."




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 05-15-10 04:37 AM
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Prime Time
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jul 2007
Posts: 2083

Dirty joke alert...sorry, but I must.

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line," I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in holy water and pass into heaven.

The next nun admits that "Well yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged it a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on in here?" says St. Peter.

"Well your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "if I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."




Up front there ought to be a man in black.

Old Post 05-15-10 10:44 PM
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Prime Time
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jul 2007
Posts: 2083

One more heaven joke

3 ministers and their wives were just coming back from a convention when they got in a wreck and were all kiled. All 3 couples stood in line wating to get into heaven . St Peter opened the books and said to the first man: I can see that you were a good man but had one problem. You lusted after alcohol your whole life you never drank but your lust was so strong you would never marry until you met a girl named Sherry. Sorry, you can't come in. The second minister approached St Peter and he said: you were a good man, but it says here you lusted after money and your lust was so strong that you would not marry until you met a girl named Penny. Sorry, you cannot come in. The third minister turned to his wife and said: come on Fanny, lets leave.




Up front there ought to be a man in black.

Old Post 05-15-10 10:47 PM
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markinc7
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2008
Posts: 2831

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and screwed a parrot. I was just wondering
if you were my daughter."




"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."
Thomas Jefferson

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."
Albert Einstein

Old Post 06-02-10 12:45 AM
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markinc7
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2008
Posts: 2831

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.




"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."
Thomas Jefferson

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."
Albert Einstein

Old Post 06-23-10 02:40 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!!!!!!!!!!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 06-23-10 05:06 AM
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ChadillacSHSU


Registered: Mar 2010
Posts: 467

Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Hillbilly Pick-up Lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

3) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

4) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em.

5) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

6) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

7) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

8) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep 'til noon.


*AND.. the best for last!

9) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.




"You need to make a bet on something every day. You might be walking around lucky and not know it."

Old Post 06-25-10 07:37 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.


Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.


Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit..
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.


Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods



I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 07-05-10 03:59 PM
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