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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
John loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue
playing standing up.

Fred looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Steve picks the two of clubs and has to carry
the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion
is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Steve goes over to John's apartment and knocks on the door.

The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants?

Steve declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is
afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Steve.




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 08-01-08 04:50 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!!!!!!!!!!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 08-01-08 05:43 PM
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tdbabe
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Posts: 7262

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue,
wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, 'I couldn't help but notice' he said, 'you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. 'Are you ok?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm!'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was
still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for
it?'

The woman replied; 'Yes, Black Pepper!!!!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 08-02-08 01:31 AM
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Bromoe
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6020

Good one td...

Are you taking black or white pepper?

Old Post 08-03-08 08:35 PM
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Riverfish
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Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

5*

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the
back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but
good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows
them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of
the tavern and

made their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the
old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly
they erupt into the most

furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about
ten minutes while both

are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they
both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the
old couple struggle to their feet and put

their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks
to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that
was something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort
of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'




My YouTube Channel

Old Post 08-04-08 11:45 PM
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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?


MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST WHEN I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA,

WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY, WITH THE SAME
NAME, HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD

TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED FAIRVIEW HIGH

SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A BULLDOG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ASS,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-***** ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 08-15-08 02:35 PM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a
woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 08-20-08 01:22 AM
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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when 2 people sleep in
the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken, but she decided to just tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling".

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the
other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called "Bunk Beds". And Jimmy's mom
wants to talk to you."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it", she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just cannot understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like.... Hellooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!"




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 09-09-08 02:50 PM
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Bytore
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Registered: Jan 2003
Posts: 15319

"Hellooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!"

I heard it before but is a good one!!! LOL!!!




"Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you
And the space he invades, he gets by on you..."

RUSH

Old Post 09-09-08 03:31 PM
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Riverfish
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

How Men & Women should treat each other.

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN: Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.




HOW TO TREAT A MAN: Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

Old Post 09-09-08 08:38 PM
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SliPKnuT
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

Chili Cook-Off

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for direction s to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from t he event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed t o taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounde d me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, ! strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people! behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given m e brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chil i with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autop sy, t hey'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of him self. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report




"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

Old Post 09-12-08 05:58 AM
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douglas
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2005
Posts: 17915

OK ..............

So this bank robbers mask come off during a hold up ...........he goes to the security guard an says DID YOU SEE MY FACE ?
he answers yes an the robber shoots him in the head ..............he goes to the janitor an asks DID YOU SEE MY FACE ? he answers yes an the robber shoots him in the head ...he goes to the teller an asks ...DID YOU SEE MY FACE ?
she answers yes an the robber shoots her in the head ............

Finally he goes over to a old jewish couple an asks DID YOU SEE MY FACE ????

the old man answers.... I DIDN'T ..............
BUT MY WIFE DID !!!!

Old Post 09-12-08 05:32 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

OOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-12-08 10:57 PM
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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you
would have $49.00 left. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of
the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than
$5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Americans drink, on the average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to
the gallon.




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 10-07-08 01:34 PM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

I'll show this to Evie and show her the plus's of me drinking my beer for profit....

Probably won't work but worth a try...

vic




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 10-07-08 04:38 PM
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Riverfish
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Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
Cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
Hear just about everything.. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
Say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
Make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'


HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!




My YouTube Channel

Old Post 10-23-08 03:05 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

There are only eleven times in history where the 'F' word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. 'What the @#$% do you mean,we are sinking?'
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. 'What the @#$% was that?'
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. 'Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?'
-- Custer, 1877

8. 'Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.'
-- Einstein, 1938

7. 'It does so @#$%ing look like her!'
-- Picasso, 1926

6. 'How the @#$% did you work that out?'
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. 'You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?'
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. 'Where the @#$% are we?'
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. 'Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!'
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. 'Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?'
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. 'Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad.'
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 11-30-08 12:21 AM
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Riverfish
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Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

Christmas dinner......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ48TDpK7ho






My YouTube Channel

Old Post 12-10-08 08:54 PM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

From:

>>>>> The Pope in Alaska
>>>>> The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of
the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
>>>>>
>>>>> As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
>>>>>
>>>>> As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
>>>>> As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
>>>>> 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
>>>>> 'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 12-14-08 09:03 PM
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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly
behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn.

It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the
candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy.' Another outburst, and she hears
Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be
outta here -- hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps
again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset.
We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries
and the boy into the car. 'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your
composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept
saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Stevie.




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 03-03-09 04:45 PM
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