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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer
Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381
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Mowing & Beer
>>
>>On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
>>and watching my wife mow the lawn.
>>
>>The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
>>over and shouted at me, 'You should be hung!'
>>
>>I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from my
>>lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into
>>the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
>>
>>'I am. That's why she cuts the grass.'
"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt
ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com
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06-20-08 04:07 AM |
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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer
Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165
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Tech Support
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Nick, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Nick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what
was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Nick grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little bastard
http://unmetneeds.com/
LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper
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07-05-08 10:39 PM |
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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer
Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165
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How men think
A woman was in a coma, and had been for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed
that there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was
a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains
for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate
at all.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure. Maybe she choked.'
http://unmetneeds.com/
LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper
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07-10-08 12:02 AM |
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Bromoe
FoxDen Hall of Famer
Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6020
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When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned
on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
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07-12-08 06:17 AM |
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer
Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262
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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to
> celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man
> leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there
> is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered
> me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest
> of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75
> years have been the most wonderful experience I could
> have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that
> all that away. But... I must know, did he have a different
> father?"
> The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in
> the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes.
> Yes he did."
> The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
> was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With
> a tear in his eye he asks,
> "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
> Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
> as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her
> husband. Then,finally, she says, "You."
Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.
http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm
America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!
Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.
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07-19-08 08:48 PM |
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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer
Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
****************************************
************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
****************************************
******************** ***********
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
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07-21-08 11:38 PM |
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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer
Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler
said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!'
http://unmetneeds.com/
LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper
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07-29-08 04:37 PM |
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