Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of
the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I
made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex
movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions
for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own
fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fu it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I
got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair
last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I
told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister.”

“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two
gorgeous brothers.”

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other

Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?

A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.