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The Leading Logic In Sports Handicapping

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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396



She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton


"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evi! l thing I could do to him"


I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling
hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the
hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day... 30,000 to! a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time. "

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew
the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because
you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the! top of several pages, that it indeed says, ..... "HEBREWS"

Old Post 09-26-18 11:58 PM
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396


The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed
good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar
bills gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too
expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went
upstairs After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that
he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went
upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Old Post 10-02-18 10:26 PM
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396


> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

> COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

> ABBOTT: Mac?

> COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

> ABBOTT: Your computer?

> COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

> ABBOTT: Mac?

> COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

> ABBOTT: What about Windows?

> COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

> ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

> COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

> ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

> ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

> COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

> proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

> ABBOTT: Office.

> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

> ABBOTT: I just did.

> COSTELLO: You just did what?

> ABBOTT: Recommend something.

> COSTELLO: You recommended something?

> ABBOTT: Yes.

> COSTELLO: For my office?

> ABBOTT: Yes.

> COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

> ABBOTT: Office.

> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

> ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

> COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

> ABBOTT: Word.

> COSTELLO: What word?

> ABBOTT: Word in Office.

> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

> COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

> ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

> COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with

> some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

> ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

> COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of

> your business. Just tell me what I need!

> ABBOTT: Real One.

> COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

> ABBOTT: Of course.

> COSTELLO: Great! With what?

> ABBOTT: Real One.

> COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

> ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."

> COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

> ABBOTT: The blue "1."

> COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

> ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W"

> is Word.

> COSTELLO: What word?

> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

> COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

> ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

> COSTELLO: It is?

> ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

> COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

> ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even

> part of Office.

> COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial

> bookkeeping?

> You have anything I can track my money with?

> ABBOTT: Money.

> COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

> ABBOTT: Money.

> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

> ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer

> COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

> ABBOTT: Money.

> COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

> ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

> COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?

> How much?

> ABBOTT: One copy.

> COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

> ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

> COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?





> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

> COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

> ABBOTT: Click on "START".....

Old Post 10-11-18 09:53 PM
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