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Riverfish
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

5*

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After
Looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told
The clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give blow jobs.' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no
more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog...

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may
never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.........

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.... the husband replied,
'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone'!




My YouTube Channel

Old Post 01-29-08 10:31 PM
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thedoc
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Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 11024

LMAO!!. Good ones David.

Old Post 01-29-08 10:34 PM
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dodgerfan
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2006
Posts: 5485

First BJ

So a guy sits down at a bar and says to the bartender, "I need a shot of your strongest Whisky"
The bartender pours the guy a shot and before he can even put the bottle away, the guy at the bar takes the shot down and asks for another one.
So the bartender pours him another and again the guy slams it down.
So the bartender asks the guy, what the occasion is to be taking down these shots like this.
The guy at the bar says "actually I'm celebrating my first blow job today"
The bartender is very excited for the guy and tells him congratulations and pours him another and says this one is on the house.
The guy at the bar sits there for a moment and says "no that should do it, I think I got the taste out of my mouth"

Old Post 01-30-08 12:18 AM
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thedoc
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 11024

Could'nt help but pass this

The Polite way to Pee"
>
> During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
> teach good manners,
> asked her students the following question:
>
> "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a
> nice young lady,
> how would you tell her that you have to go to the
> bathroom?"
>
> Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
>
> The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude
> and impolite.
>
> What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
>
> Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go
> to the bathroom.
> I'll be right back."
>
> "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
> the word bathroom at the
> dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use
> your brain for once
> and show us your good manners?"
>
> "I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a
> moment? I have to
> shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
> hope to introduce
> you to after dinner."
>
> The teacher fainted...

Old Post 02-01-08 09:06 PM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

doc..your plagerizing my plagerized material...LOL...




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 02-01-08 09:14 PM
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thedoc
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Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 11024

Thats proposterous, scandalous ludicrous
Loved the Hitman! lmao

Old Post 02-01-08 09:21 PM
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mikeb104
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 7727

FUNNY STUFF!!

Love this thread




"Not everything you read on the internet is accurate"- Abraham Lincoln

Old Post 02-03-08 04:52 PM
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mikeb104
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 7727

Three guys were having a few beers at a bar and checking out the babes as they entered the bar.


A cute blonde walked in. The first guy said, "I'd give her a 7. She's cute."


The other two agreed.


The bartender, overhearing their rating, said dryly, "I'd give her a 3."


"A 3? Man, you're harsh!" The guys figured the bartender just had lousy taste in women and returned to their sport. The next young lady scored a 9, but the bartender gave her a 5.


"A 5? How can you give her a 5?" the three guys asked. "She's gorgeous!"


Then a stunning blonde walked in.


Our three judges nod and say in unison, "10!"


But the bartender only rated her a "6."


"A 6!? No way!" protest the three guys. "What scale are you using?"


"The Budweiser scale," the bartender.


"The Budweiser scale? What the hell is that?" asked the three guys.



The bartender explained, "That's the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her!"




"Not everything you read on the internet is accurate"- Abraham Lincoln

Old Post 02-05-08 02:40 PM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

Mexican Eggs

Two Mexicans are riding along the Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike. They experience a break down and start to hitch a ride. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can be of some help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 10,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike, will he take them to the next town and he agrees. They manage to squeeze their motorcycle and themselves into the back of the trailer so the driver shuts the doors and gets back on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the California Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly-- "Mexican eggs".

The patrolman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the back door of the trailer and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls f or immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a tractor trailer with 10,000 Mexican eggs in it. Only 2 have hatched so far, but they've already managed to steal a motorcycle."




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 02-05-08 03:54 PM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

Married 30 years

After 30 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when
the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in
quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders
and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just
over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left
inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her
side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh , stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

I found the remote," he mumbled.




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 02-06-08 04:22 AM
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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

A man is walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows.

'Twenty dollars...' she whispers.

He's never been with a hooker before , but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to me wife!!,' the man answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!'




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 02-12-08 10:39 PM
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Riverfish
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

















"You got Male!"

Old Post 02-13-08 02:45 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Cannibal menu

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Tourist: ____________________________$5.00

Broiled Missionary: _________________$10.00

Fried Explorer: _____________________$15.00

Baked Democrat or
Grilled Republican___________________$100.00

The cannibal called the cook over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the politicians?'

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning.




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 02-18-08 02:53 AM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

to be "6" again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dork '

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 02-18-08 03:00 AM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

BLACK TESTICLES

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four
hour, surgical procedure.

A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse,'
he mumbles, from behind the mask, 'are my testicles black?' Embarrassed,
the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir, I'm only here to wash your
upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully takes his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then she takes a
close look, and gently replaces his gown and bedding. 'There's nothing
wrong with them, sir.'

With difficulty, the man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her
and says slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen
very, very closely. 'ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?'




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 02-18-08 04:32 AM
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BIG BAD BILL
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 8033

That was really funny,keep them coming

Old Post 02-19-08 04:38 AM
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duckman
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2005
Posts: 2671

Forgive me for the blonde joke

One of my co-workers is a young lady who has very light blonde hair and just recently dyed her hair a chocolaty-brown color. Another co-worker, who comes off quite serious, but has quite the sense of humor, approached her recently after the color makeover. He put his hand up to his chin, thought for a moment, then pointed at her and said..............

'You look smarter'




All things being equal, when in doubt, take the underdog.

Old Post 02-19-08 04:18 PM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said,

"It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 02-21-08 02:24 AM
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UgaBulldawg
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 3890

Chris....

I read this joke and 2 seconds later, but my brothers father-in-law from Mississippi knocked on my door. He was delivering the sausage and skull mount from my 10 point back in January.

I HAD to tell him the joke. Luckily, he's got a good sense of humor. That one was funny!

Yee Haw

Uga

Old Post 02-21-08 02:40 AM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

Tennessee love poem...

LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

Old Post 02-21-08 04:26 PM
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