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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Humor

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The young produce assistant tells him that they only sell whole heads.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. "Ok, I'll go ask my manager." Says the boy.

Walking into the back room, he locates the manager and says, "Some ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finishes his sentence, he turns around to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds, "and this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approves the deal and the man goes on his way.

Later that afternoon the manager says to the boy, "I was quite impressed with the way you got yourself out of that earlier situation; we like employees who can think on their feet. So, son, where are you from?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replies.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asks.

The boy says, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and hockey players in Canada." "Really?" says the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"Wow," says the boy. "What team did she play for?"

Old Post 05-22-07 09:31 PM
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tdbabe
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Posts: 7262

The Koala & The Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gum tree .. smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they burn a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and
then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says " Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?!!"

Old Post 05-24-07 02:45 AM
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mikeb104
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Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 7727

I've never heard either one of those, I like them though.

Thanks for the laugh TD!




"Not everything you read on the internet is accurate"- Abraham Lincoln

Old Post 05-24-07 01:46 PM
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winsum$


Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 250

Now those are funny!! TY TD!

Old Post 05-25-07 11:29 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push!"

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Old Post 05-30-07 04:31 AM
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redwingxix


Registered: Jan 2007
Posts: 502

nice. thanks for posting




Some, they may go for cocaine.But I'm sure that if I took even one sniff, it would bore me terrifically, too.

Old Post 05-30-07 04:06 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Consider These 3 Thoughts

(1) Zero Gravity

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

(2) Our Constitution

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years. And, we're not using it anymore.

(3) Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Old Post 05-31-07 05:32 AM
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Chico1856
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Posts: 6165

Thanks TD!




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 05-31-07 05:31 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at him and says, "Hello"!

He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me"?

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'


She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Old Post 05-31-07 09:44 PM
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tdbabe
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Posts: 7262

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

Old Post 06-01-07 08:30 PM
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tdbabe
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Posts: 7262

Old folks are funny too....

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor.

"She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what the hell do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

Old Post 06-03-07 02:31 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director
to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch,
but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in
place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this
was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never
preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked
to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I
overheard one of the workers saying to another,

"I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Old Post 06-04-07 04:54 AM
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tdbabe
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Posts: 7262

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the
display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention
this to him and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................









"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

Old Post 06-05-07 12:36 AM
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redwingxix


Registered: Jan 2007
Posts: 502

Those are hilarious. TD. BTW, those space pens are really cool. I like using them for the crosswords because they write on newsprint so well. I haven't tried them in outer space yet, though.




Some, they may go for cocaine.But I'm sure that if I took even one sniff, it would bore me terrifically, too.

Old Post 06-06-07 04:38 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

redwingxix

I must admit I have never used a space pen, but I do about 3 crosswords a day from different newspapers. I'll have to give it a try.

Here's a cute one for today:

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?.

"No," said the little boy...."It's a puppy ."

Old Post 06-06-07 08:27 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

REDNECK VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , Florida , West Virginia and Washington DC .




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 06-07-07 03:17 AM
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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he
would
even answer the phone, then, when he finally answered .. he was rude to
my simple question."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house
with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get
my keys." "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat
tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He
continued,

"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer
to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down
on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still
ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the
phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to
answer
it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer."

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell
her."




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 06-09-07 06:36 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!!!!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 06-09-07 11:32 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 06-11-07 08:13 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly
100-years-old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 06-12-07 01:20 AM
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