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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this Congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.


I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask
forgiveness From God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.


The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will
be forgiven and in your heart. You will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.


Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body
that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her
head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.


I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I
simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'


The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and
the Congregation roared!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

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America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-25-07 12:41 AM
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thedoc
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Posts: 11024

A bookie wakes up to his phone at 3 am.
Hello? It's x-81 and I need to place some bets.
It's 3 in the am.You know I open at 9am. If you ever call me at this hour I will cut you off.
But I have a few parleys I want to get in.
Let me get my glasses.

Old Post 09-25-07 01:41 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!!!!!!! That was great!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-25-07 02:07 AM
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thedoc
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Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 11024

Thanx TD

I'm such a bad joke teller.

Old Post 09-25-07 02:10 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

The Stranded Irishman...

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-25-07 04:12 AM
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SliPKnuT
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

Pssssst!!!

Having to Take a Whisper

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to pee.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say **** in church. Next time you have to ****, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''

The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

Old Post 09-26-07 02:06 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Survey

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down...































































































Look down, not scroll down




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

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America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-26-07 09:55 PM
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thedoc
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Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 11024

And I thought you were cool.

Old Post 09-27-07 02:49 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

I am.




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-27-07 03:50 AM
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fallforward
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Registered: May 2007
Posts: 2688

A third grade teacher in milwaukee...

...asks his class, "Who in here is a Brewer's fan?" All of the kids raise their hands, except for little johnny in the third row. The teacher asks why he was not a fan of the local team, and Johnny replied, "Well, I guess because my Mom, is a Cubs fan, my Dad, is a Cubs fan, and my Grandparents are Cubs fan, so I gues that makes me a Cubs fan." The teacher then retorted with, "Well Johhny that makes sense, but what if your mother was a prostitute, and your dad was her Pimp, and top top it off your grandparents were drug dealers? What would that make you then? Johnny thought about about it, then sheepishly replied, "A White Sox Fan."

Have a good day guys/gal!
ff

Old Post 09-28-07 07:10 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Pete and KC.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn,
someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."

Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Sh*t ...




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 10-02-07 09:56 PM
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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

another blonde joke

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls
decided when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After
all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they
went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and
crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
to
leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 10-06-07 02:54 AM
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SliPKnuT
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

Frank TV...

That was great Chico LOL!!!!!!!!!

Awww hell, everyone of these is great in this thread.

I love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQb5Te13ba8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVlV...related&search=

Old Post 10-06-07 03:00 AM
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(_X_)-KMA


Registered: Sep 2007
Posts: 120

Oh Boy

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor."But I need it really bad," said the man."Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up".




The former Poster Ragtop
Registered: Orginal Forum: Circa: 7/02-Revised forum 01-09-03 Posts:5518
Exiled/Banned: 06-22-06-

Old Post 10-11-07 01:57 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!!!!!!!!!!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 10-11-07 04:04 AM
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SliPKnuT
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

Ragtop's reminded me of this one my Uncle told me as a kid.
Not sure if it's well known or not?

One day, there was this native man, whose name sounded like "Bowels". One day, he recieved a letter from the government saying that if he didnít move his teepee it would be mowed over, for the government had plans to build a road that went right over his teepee. Naturally this pissed him off, so he marched into town to complain. When he got to town he walked into a building he thought was a government office, but was actually a pharmacy. He went right up to the lady at the desk and declared, "Bowels no move!", meaning that he would not move his teepee. The clerk, thinking he was constipated, gave him a laxative and sent him home. The next day he came back and said, "Bowels no move!" The clerk gave him a stronger laxative and sent him home. This happened two more times over two days, each time the clerk giving Bowels a stronger laxative. The 5th day, he came back weak as a newborn kitten, and he said to the clerk in a tired and defeated voice, "You win... Bowels move now... teepee full of shiznit!!! : ( "




"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

Old Post 10-11-07 04:25 AM
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(_X_)-KMA


Registered: Sep 2007
Posts: 120

Confucius Says:

Confucius Says Jokes

Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.

Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.

He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

He who plays with self, pulls boner.

Baseball all wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.

House without toilet is uncanny.

Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.

Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Man who plays with self pulls boner.

Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep sh*t.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Man who suck woman's tit make clean breast of things.

Man who walk in middle of road get run over by bus.

Wife not part of furniture, until screwed on bed.

Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag.

Man who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Don't sweat the petty stuff ... and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.




The former Poster Ragtop
Registered: Orginal Forum: Circa: 7/02-Revised forum 01-09-03 Posts:5518
Exiled/Banned: 06-22-06-

Old Post 10-11-07 11:52 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Cleanin' Chickens

'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.'It ain't my fault,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!

'Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some- odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that,
despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little
Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

'You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out
in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'''Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!

'He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt !To
the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come sneakin' up behind. Then we all looked on plumb helpless, as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!

'Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'

Old Post 10-15-07 06:33 PM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 10-17-07 07:07 PM
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Riverfish
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Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

This definately needs to be in this thread!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?d..._all&plindex=13


crap, wrong video.

Old Post 10-19-07 09:39 AM
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