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SliPKnuT
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

Classic!!!

I wish I was better at remembering jokes long term.

Oh well, give me a computer with the internets and I'll dial up Td's humor thread in a split second.

I deliver to the food pantry once a week. Sister Sandy, the Nun there, gave me a few sheets of this.



She gave Gusweiser this for his Mom because she couldn't keep it there...

Old Post 09-11-07 05:39 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL.........that poor man.




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

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America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-11-07 05:47 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Senator Hillary Clinton and former Attorney General Janet Reno
were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to
Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men seeking sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he was last."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged,
(that's politically correct' for ugly as a mud fence) does not mean I don't have to fight off occasional unwelcome advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet replied, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might, tense, and squeeze to break wind as loud and hard as I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary
slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he
would be wanting some action. She had been saving gas all day long and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sound you could imagine.



Bill rolled over and said, "Janet, is that you?"




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-11-07 09:30 PM
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thedoc
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Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 11024

This thread is great. I copy and paste these all the time.

Old Post 09-15-07 04:13 AM
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Riverfish
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Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

Speaking of funny.....

I'm watching "Evan Almighty" in my motel room right now. And my opinion of the movie is that it is very funny, and it's great! Just wanted to add this to this thread for anyone considering watching the movie.




My YouTube Channel

Old Post 09-15-07 07:27 AM
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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a
priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a
half empty bottle of gin was sticking out his torn coat pocket. He
opened
his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say
Father,
what causes arthritis?"

The priest wanting to teach this man a little lesson replies, "My Son,
it's
caused by loose living, Being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes & lack
of a
bath"


The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned
to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had
arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that
the Pope does."




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 09-15-07 05:29 PM
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SliPKnuT
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

Chico

Thanks for helping me loosen up some lung cookies.
I needed a good cough LOL!!!

Hey Riverfish I've been wanting to see that movie. I'm throwing it on my Netflix right now.

I've really gotten some great laughs out of Grandma's Boy the past few years. It is a must see if you haven't seen it yet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Udz63Tp8unI

Old Post 09-15-07 05:48 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-16-07 04:53 AM
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SliPKnuT
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

No Joke here...

I just wanted to own the top 8 slots of the Billboards Misc list.

Call me crazy. Call me whatever.

Being on the top of the charts is all that matters when you're making money.

Complain to my advertisers.

They have eyes and ears to pump.

It all gets old really quick.

?

Have I sold out?????




"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

Old Post 09-16-07 08:17 PM
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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1774718



a prank video




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 09-18-07 02:16 AM
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SliPKnuT
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

FYI

Lisa Lampanelli: Dirty Girl is on Comedy Central right now.

Chico,

That was crazy. That would be quite the situation to be thrown into.

Old Post 09-18-07 06:09 AM
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crogue1
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 1513

check out christopher walken cooks chicken on you tube, pretty good stuff

Old Post 09-18-07 07:08 AM
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Riverfish
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Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Q5WtlYkt...related&search=



http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mi1-hVQZ...related&search=

Old Post 09-18-07 08:22 AM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

Never argue...

Never Argue With A Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
"I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any mome nt."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 09-19-07 03:35 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Amen Bullets! I love this one. LOL




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-19-07 03:59 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

For my 65th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress . .

Dear Diary:

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air when she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that b*itch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the saddist) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 09-19-07 08:04 PM
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geminimoon
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Registered: Jul 2006
Posts: 1787

this is an awesome thread td!!!

thanks!!!!




the "team" is what makes a person so great. the more we use each other the better we will become!

quote by geminimoon

Old Post 09-19-07 09:39 PM
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SliPKnuT
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

How stupid are we for not inventing this!!!

Too easy.

Win win.

OWI's and enjoyment all wrapped into one cut and dry invention.

If you have too many you will be cut and wet.

Don't take a spill.

You might bend your spoiler.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nuQ...related&search=




"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

Old Post 09-24-07 06:13 AM
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SliPKnuT
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nerafD96cPw

These things feel good.

I'm the king of them.

My fingers are sensors.




"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

Old Post 09-24-07 07:30 AM
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SliPKnuT
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

This movie is obscene as they get. Rent with caution.

Booze Clues...

Pranks are dangerous...

(Full frontal male nudity with the wankers)

Prichard is the best...

I'm not a tattoo man myself...But there's nothing wrong with it I suppose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orFA...related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjyBwXSSlFE

Old Post 09-24-07 07:48 AM
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