StatFox.com - Sports Handicapping Community

The Leading Logic In Sports Handicapping

The FoxDen Forum : Powered by vBulletin version 2.3.0 The FoxDen Forum > FoxDen Lounge > Humor
Search The Fox Den Forum:

Subscribe to this Thread
Pages (32): « 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 [27] 28 29 30 31 32 »

Last Message   Next Message
    
Author
Message    Post A Reply
Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

LITTLE BRIAN REPLIED:

"I WANNA START OUT AS A NAVY PILOT, THEN BE A BILLIONAIRE, GO TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE CLUBS, FIND ME THE FINEST wh*re, GIVE HER A FERRARI WORTH OVER A MILLION BUCKS, AN APARTMENT IN COPACABANA, A MANSION IN PARIS, A JET TO TRAVEL THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AN INFINITE VISA CARD, AND ALL THE WHILE BANGING HER LIKE A LOOSE SCREEN DOOR IN A HURRICANE."


THE TEACHER, SHOCKED, AND NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS HORRIBLE RESPONSE FROM LITTLE BRIAN, DECIDED NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE SAID AND SIMPLY TRIED TO CONTINUE WITH THE LESSON .

"And how about you, Sarah?"






"I wanna be Brian's wh*re."

Old Post 02-13-15 04:18 AM
Tots_McGee is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Tots_McGee Click here to Send Tots_McGee a Private Message Edit post   Report post
oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Senior Texting

Senior texting

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."


The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Old Post 02-23-15 09:18 PM
oldguy is offline Click Here to See the Profile for oldguy Click here to Send oldguy a Private Message Edit post   Report post
Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. You have a 50% chance of being right.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.


...and as someone recently said to me:



Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

Old Post 03-05-15 09:48 PM
Tots_McGee is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Tots_McGee Click here to Send Tots_McGee a Private Message Edit post   Report post
Bytore
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jan 2003
Posts: 15319

i ArGEEE~




"Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you
And the space he invades, he gets by on you..."

RUSH

Old Post 03-07-15 01:30 AM
Bytore is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bytore Click here to Send Bytore a Private Message Edit post   Report post
oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes,
and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The Pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied,
"I need it to poison my husband."

The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband,
that's against the law!
I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not!
You can not have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled
out a picture of her husband in bed with
the Pharmacist's wife.

The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said,

"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Old Post 03-18-15 03:50 AM
oldguy is offline Click Here to See the Profile for oldguy Click here to Send oldguy a Private Message Edit post   Report post
Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

A fact you won't soon forget...
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead
crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.




A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and,
to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular
impacts.




However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors
of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.




By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of
the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2%
were killed by an impact with a car.




MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills
versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road
kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to
warn of impending danger.




They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout
"Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 04-07-15 04:14 PM
Tots_McGee is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Tots_McGee Click here to Send Tots_McGee a Private Message Edit post   Report post
wildcat76
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2005
Posts: 5225

this is the best thread here

Old Post 04-23-15 06:03 PM
wildcat76 is offline Click Here to See the Profile for wildcat76 Click here to Send wildcat76 a Private Message Edit post   Report post
wildcat76
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2005
Posts: 5225

keep them coming

Old Post 05-12-15 11:51 PM
wildcat76 is offline Click Here to See the Profile for wildcat76 Click here to Send wildcat76 a Private Message Edit post   Report post
Bytore
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jan 2003
Posts: 15319

Tots_McGee, I agree with Wildcat!!! LMAO!!!

Little bar opening soon here. I am thinking of stealing jokes for free coffee or beer.

This is one of them!!! lol!

I am going to print them out. I am too old to memorize them all.

It would be fun, but much work, to find the classics!!!

This one is a 10 Star!!! Clean, and funny!!!




"Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you
And the space he invades, he gets by on you..."

RUSH

Old Post 05-14-15 02:18 AM
Bytore is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bytore Click here to Send Bytore a Private Message Edit post   Report post
Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replied, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask: "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age," Bob replied. "What? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 07-17-15 08:13 PM
Tots_McGee is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Tots_McGee Click here to Send Tots_McGee a Private Message Edit post   Report post
Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "for me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 07-17-15 08:18 PM
Tots_McGee is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Tots_McGee Click here to Send Tots_McGee a Private Message Edit post   Report post
Bytore
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jan 2003
Posts: 15319

LOL!!!




"Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you
And the space he invades, he gets by on you..."

RUSH

Old Post 07-18-15 07:12 PM
Bytore is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Bytore Click here to Send Bytore a Private Message Edit post   Report post
markinc7
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2008
Posts: 2831

An NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster

speaking in Ontario, says:


"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."

"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot.

"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs."
“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods", and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”

Yes we should promote tolerance. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point...

It is either past your bedtime, or its midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.



GLTA




"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."
Thomas Jefferson

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."
Albert Einstein

Old Post 07-21-15 02:07 PM
markinc7 is offline Click Here to See the Profile for markinc7 Click here to Send markinc7 a Private Message Edit post   Report post
markinc7
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2008
Posts: 2831





GLTA




"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."
Thomas Jefferson

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."
Albert Einstein

Old Post 08-21-15 09:17 PM
markinc7 is offline Click Here to See the Profile for markinc7 Click here to Send markinc7 a Private Message Edit post   Report post
wildcat76
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2005
Posts: 5225

great stuff here




Statfox Bowl Season 2017 Contest 1st PL
Statfox College Football 2016 Contest 1st PL
Statfox MLB 2015 Contest 1st PL
Statfox NBA 15-16 Contest 2nd PL
Statfox NBA 2014 Playoffs Contest 1st PL
Statfox College Baskets 2013 Contest 1st PL

Old Post 01-23-16 12:25 AM
wildcat76 is offline Click Here to See the Profile for wildcat76 Click here to Send wildcat76 a Private Message Edit post   Report post
msudogs
Moderator

Registered: Nov 2005
Posts: 65535

geg

here's more

Old Post 12-08-16 09:56 AM
msudogs is offline Click Here to See the Profile for msudogs Click here to Send msudogs a Private Message Edit post   Report post
msudogs
Moderator

Registered: Nov 2005
Posts: 65535

thanks

Old Post 08-19-17 11:36 PM
msudogs is offline Click Here to See the Profile for msudogs Click here to Send msudogs a Private Message Edit post   Report post
msudogs
Moderator

Registered: Nov 2005
Posts: 65535

always need some humor

Old Post 03-10-18 02:30 AM
msudogs is offline Click Here to See the Profile for msudogs Click here to Send msudogs a Private Message Edit post   Report post
geg1951
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Mar 2006
Posts: 13733

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

Once you open it, you realize it's half-empty.




GARY / GARLAND TEXAS...... RETIRED
---------------------------------------------------

Old Post 03-29-18 05:47 PM
geg1951 is offline Click Here to See the Profile for geg1951 Click here to Send geg1951 a Private Message Edit post   Report post
geg1951
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Mar 2006
Posts: 13733

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...


The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"




GARY / GARLAND TEXAS...... RETIRED
---------------------------------------------------

Old Post 03-29-18 05:50 PM
geg1951 is offline Click Here to See the Profile for geg1951 Click here to Send geg1951 a Private Message Edit post   Report post
Post A Reply
  
Pages (32): « 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 [27] 28 29 30 31 32 »   Last Message   Next Message

Quick Links: