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Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

some truly tasteless ones

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of
the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I
made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex
movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions
for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own
fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fu it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I
got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair
last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I
told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister.”

“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two
gorgeous brothers.”

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 01-25-13 06:25 PM
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westghost
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jul 2009
Posts: 1977

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other

Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?

A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.




I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act.
Buddha

Old Post 04-26-13 03:56 PM
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Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”




Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 08-26-13 06:08 PM
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Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

Three mischievous old Grandmas were
sitting on a bench outside the nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out,
'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you
can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure
we can! Just drop your pants and
undershorts and we can tell your
exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious
to prove they couldn't do it,
he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn
around a couple of times and then jump
up and down several times. Determined
to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they
all said in unison,'You're 87 years
old!'

Standing with his pants down around
his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the
three old ladies happily crowed.....


'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 12-27-13 07:07 PM
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msudogs
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Registered: Nov 2005
Posts: 65535

best thread going

Old Post 01-28-14 06:35 PM
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Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

> > After being arrested in a grocery store for shoplifting, she gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing everyone throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."*
The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and
forgot to bring any cash to the store."The judge asked how many peaches
were in the can. She replied, "Nine, but why do you care about that?"
The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days
in jail -- one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"The husband said,
"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 02-24-14 06:49 PM
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wildcat76
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2005
Posts: 5225

I got into a fight with an erection this morning, I beat it single handily

Old Post 06-28-14 07:54 PM
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Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

Food For Thought

“It is only when you see a mosquito land on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.”




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 09-02-14 10:57 PM
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Bytore
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jan 2003
Posts: 15319

LOL!!!!

I'm buying bug spray...




"Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you
And the space he invades, he gets by on you..."

RUSH

Old Post 09-02-14 11:42 PM
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Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.

I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room. The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building, working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.


The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."



"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 09-16-14 03:19 PM
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tonyvegas
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2003
Posts: 944

Epic thread..
I can't count the numbers of times I have repeated these jokes to others

Old Post 09-21-14 06:53 PM
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ronnie111
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Registered: Feb 2009
Posts: 7085

how to end women using their maiden name:

if courtney cox marries john ucker.

Old Post 09-23-14 05:43 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

It's a BAD DAY!!

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=297050401057&fref=nf

Old Post 12-17-14 06:50 AM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Final Exam

FINAL EXAM

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...


For 95 points: Which tire? _________

Old Post 01-15-15 09:36 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

lol




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 01-17-15 07:13 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Sex after Death??

Sex After Death??

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion .... Marion".

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch
some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"


"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in North Carolina.

Old Post 01-21-15 10:08 PM
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Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

A Newfoundland painter by the name of Skipper Drover, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist. Over a number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Long Harbour for his paintings.

One day, a very attractive young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo and asked Skipper if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request and it had Skipper a bit perturbed.

The beautiful lady told him that money was no object. In fact, she was willing to pay him up to $5,000 cash.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Skipper asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Rose, his missus. In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "T'would be me pleasure to
paint yer portrait, missus. The wife says it's okay.

I'll paint ya in da nude, but I have ta leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes".




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 01-24-15 02:18 AM
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Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car in Dublin when a bunch Of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your ****, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know
Who we are. Show them your cross." So Sister Mary Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little Fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"
Sister Mary Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?!"




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 01-26-15 09:23 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

How to offend everyone:

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What’s wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb ****!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Old Post 01-28-15 10:34 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

The Man Rules:

THE MAN RULES¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN

FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR " THE RULES "
>FROM THE FEMALE SIDE.

NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.

THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.


1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.


1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS..

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG..
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY .

1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL
OR GOLF.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;


BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.

Old Post 02-05-15 12:58 AM
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