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The Leading Logic In Sports Handicapping

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duckman
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2005
Posts: 2671

Why did the blonde have trouble making Kook-Aid?

She couldn't figure out how to pour the 2 quarts of water into the packet.




All things being equal, when in doubt, take the underdog.

Old Post 07-13-10 05:39 AM
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toti emul esto
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 580

Seek thee thy daily joy...

I vote that we ask that this thread be permanently kept at the top of the queue.

All those in favor?




http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2118..._f10b9ae2a7.jpg

There is no Try. There is Only Do or Do Not.
-- Yoda

Old Post 07-28-10 08:49 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Aye!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 07-29-10 02:17 AM
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Bytore
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jan 2003
Posts: 15319

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after illegally crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They're about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... . . every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon . . . ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe . . . go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo . . . what ees it?"

"Pepe . . . ees not a bacon tree. Ees






Ees








Ees











Ees

















Ees a ham bush."




"Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you
And the space he invades, he gets by on you..."

RUSH

Old Post 08-07-10 02:48 AM
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cisco
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jul 2004
Posts: 8898

Cop to redneck:

"Got any ID?"

redneck:

"Bout what?"

Old Post 08-07-10 06:16 PM
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Bytore
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jan 2003
Posts: 15319

LOL!




"Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you
And the space he invades, he gets by on you..."

RUSH

Old Post 08-07-10 06:24 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 08-08-10 04:59 AM
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diamondjim
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6974

Guy go to see his shrink

Naked and wrapped in plastic wrap from head to toe.

The Shrink says.......

......I can clearly see your NUTS !




@1diamondjim (twitter)
Location : Boston, Mass

Old Post 08-09-10 03:04 AM
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ChadillacSHSU


Registered: Mar 2010
Posts: 467

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
And went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you may miss an opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after Lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up..

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy...' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there....

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy... A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE




"You need to make a bet on something every day. You might be walking around lucky and not know it."

Old Post 08-23-10 04:59 PM
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Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

great local commercial

http://ccinsider.comedycentral.com/2010/05/03/the-best-commercial-ever/

Old Post 09-12-10 03:20 AM
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Prime Time
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jul 2007
Posts: 2083

Just kiddin' mom...

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double.

The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."




Up front there ought to be a man in black.

Old Post 01-18-11 05:36 PM
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cashfarm
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Apr 2008
Posts: 3581

don't know if in English come out well...

"Hey you know? My wife have an ass that it speaks!!!"

"And what it say?"

"PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

Old Post 01-18-11 11:50 PM
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markinc7
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2008
Posts: 2831

cashfarm

ROFLMFAO

I Think

Old Post 01-19-11 01:52 AM
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thedoc
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 11024

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Thibodeaux woke Boudreaux and said, "Ma sha, look towards da sky, what you see?"

Boudreaux replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What dat tell you?" asked Thibodeaux.

Boudreaux pondered for a minute then said: "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, mother nature is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Whats' it tell you, Thibodeaux?"

Thibodeaux says: "Boudreaux, you dumber than cow ****. It mean somebody done stole da tent!

Old Post 01-23-11 07:25 PM
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TigreSon
Banned User

Registered: Jan 2010
Posts: 2427

Ok

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a local brothel. He asks the madam, ‘Is this a union house?’
‘No, I’m sorry, it isn’t,’ she says.
‘Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?’ he asks.
‘The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20.’_
Mighty offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps off in search of a more equitable shop._
Finally, he reaches a brothel where the madam says, ‘Why yes, this is a union house.’
‘And if I pay $100, what do the girls get?’ he asks.
‘The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.’
‘That’s more like it!’ the man says. He looks around the room and points to a gorgeous young redhead. ‘I’d like her for the night.’
‘I’m sure you would, sir, but…’ says the madam, gesturing at a 70-year-old woman in the corner, ‘Ethel here has seniority.’




Peace and Victory

Old Post 01-25-11 05:14 AM
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TigreSon
Banned User

Registered: Jan 2010
Posts: 2427

....

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing
next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,
‘7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, Turner
Brown.’ The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
This big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking
him, ‘What's wrong with you?’ In a very weak voice, the little guy says, ‘Excuse
me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?’
The big dude says, ‘I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall,
350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, and my name
is Turner Brown.’
The small guy says, ‘Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around!’




Peace and Victory

Old Post 01-25-11 05:20 AM
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TigreSon
Banned User

Registered: Jan 2010
Posts: 2427

....

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. __
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars._
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. _
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. _When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. ‘All this was just too wonderful for words,’ he said, ‘But what's the dollar for?’ __
‘Well,’ she said, ‘Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.’




Peace and Victory

Old Post 01-25-11 05:23 AM
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TigreSon
Banned User

Registered: Jan 2010
Posts: 2427

....

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. _Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms._
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. _At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. _
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’ _ The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. _A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. _ 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. __
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’ _ The boy turns, and whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’_




Peace and Victory

Old Post 01-25-11 05:25 AM
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TigreSon
Banned User

Registered: Jan 2010
Posts: 2427

.....

A young couple, just married, were in their hotel honeymoon suite, on their
wedding night. _As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, ‘Here, put these on.’ She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. ‘I can't wear your pants,’
she said. ‘That's right,’ said the husband, ‘and don't you ever forget it. _I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family.’
With that she flipped him her panties and said, ‘Try these on.’ He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. ‘Heck,’ he said, ‘I can't get into your panties!’ She replied, ‘That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!’




Peace and Victory

Old Post 01-25-11 05:29 AM
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TigreSon
Banned User

Registered: Jan 2010
Posts: 2427

....

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) ‘Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye.’
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘Oh’ she replies, ‘that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.’




Peace and Victory

Old Post 01-25-11 05:30 AM
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