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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

bumpski

need some good times in here




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 04-04-09 02:58 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Amen Chico, thanks.

-----------------

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".

Old Post 04-04-09 03:26 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His finger s and the wish is granted.

This goes on for awhile with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."



NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE, BE HAPPY!!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

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Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 10-07-09 08:57 PM
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markinc7
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Registered: Nov 2008
Posts: 2831

Thanks Carol

LMAO

Old Post 10-07-09 11:42 PM
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diamondjim
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6974

Freakin great

LMAO !




@1diamondjim (twitter)
Location : Boston, Mass

Old Post 10-09-09 03:39 AM
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markinc7
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2008
Posts: 2831

Muppets




"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."
Thomas Jefferson

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."
Albert Einstein

Old Post 10-13-09 04:15 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

A young engineer was leaving the office for the day when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Moral: Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what he's doing.




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 10-24-09 02:28 AM
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TigreSon
Banned User

Registered: Jan 2010
Posts: 2427

bump this

these jokes are hilarious




Peace and Victory

Old Post 02-22-10 01:40 AM
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mikeb104
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 7727

A priest checks into a hotel and tells the receptionist "The porn channel on my television better be disabled"

She tells the priest "No, it's just regular porn you sick bastard"

Old Post 02-27-10 09:37 PM
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TigreSon
Banned User

Registered: Jan 2010
Posts: 2427

husband and wife

A husband and wife were in there bedroom and the wife was looking at herself in the mirror and says, "hun, i am so fat and so ugly, i mean look at me i look terrible". She then asks the husband, "babe can you tell me something good about me?" he says, " sure hun, you have perfect vision".




Peace and Victory

Old Post 02-28-10 10:59 PM
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fallforward
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Registered: May 2007
Posts: 2688

A little boy is riding the city bus eating a bunch of candy bars. He is pounding them down one after the other, causing the older gentleman across the aisle to notice.

The man leans over to the boy and says, “Ya know son, if you keep eating candy like that you’ll be dead in no time.”

The boy with the candy bar still in his mouth replies back to the man, “Oh yeah, well my Grandfather lived to be a hundred and three!”

The man, genuinely surprised, questioned back, “Did he live so long by eating candy like that all the time?”

The boy shot back, “No! He did it by minding his own Gawd Damn Business!”




"Do what you can with what you have, with the time in place, in the place you are."

Old Post 03-04-10 09:42 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 03-05-10 12:24 AM
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Bo-Knows


Registered: Sep 2007
Posts: 264

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!




AKA: Ragtop

Old Post 03-05-10 04:36 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

A little North Joisey humor.......

One dark night in the small town of Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly, from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ volunteer fire department, composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat stupida truck!!'




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 03-06-10 07:13 PM
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Bo-Knows


Registered: Sep 2007
Posts: 264

Some St. Patrick,s Day Jokes

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.

'An Irish priest is driving down to??New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! ? What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little coward.'




AKA: Ragtop

Old Post 03-13-10 09:50 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Those were funny. lol




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 03-14-10 06:08 AM
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Tots_McGee
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2010
Posts: 3074

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'




http://mainememorial.org/

Old Post 03-17-10 08:47 PM
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Bytore
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jan 2003
Posts: 15319

Markinc7, that was funny!!!

The good old days of weed...




"Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you
And the space he invades, he gets by on you..."

RUSH

Old Post 03-18-10 05:52 AM
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Riverfish
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

I'm broke!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.''
"Go away," said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.
''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!"




My YouTube Channel

Old Post 03-27-10 05:32 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!!!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 03-28-10 04:10 AM
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