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The Leading Logic In Sports Handicapping

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SliPKnuT
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

The accident guy...

I will keep this sound byte in my back pocket if I ever really need a laugh

I believe that contagious laughter is a very close second to contagious yawning.

I'm not sure why yawns are so catchable?

I suppose it may be a parenting trick to get wild kids tired?

I wouldn't know because I don't got any LOL!

Maybe once I find alarm clock software for my computer I will program a sleep function that yawns at midnight

TD, TIA BTW

Old Post 04-16-08 05:24 AM
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SliPKnuT
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512

One of my personal faves on comedy central right now

Jim Gaffigan Beyond the pale.

Turn those No Country frowns upside down LOL




"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

Old Post 04-27-08 06:03 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Kids Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why areyou doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You toldme to do it without using tables.
________________________________________
__

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________________
____

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________



TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
________________________________________
__

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No,Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: Allright... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher




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Old Post 05-07-08 03:34 AM
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31bullets
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Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.


The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.



'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.



'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.




'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...




A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.




'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.



'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.




The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 05-07-08 04:57 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love that one!




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Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 05-07-08 05:06 AM
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tdbabe
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Posts: 7262

Only in Texas my friends...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

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America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 05-07-08 04:58 PM
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tdbabe
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Posts: 7262

Seniors Giving Birth

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.|

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"







"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

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America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 05-08-08 09:02 PM
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crogue1
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Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 1513

yesterday my dad asked my 2.5 yr. old if he knew what his address was...he replied I don't wear dresses, i wear pants and t-shirts!

Old Post 05-08-08 10:13 PM
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fallforward
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Registered: May 2007
Posts: 2688

One day when my niece got home from church I asked her what she learned in Sunday School and she said that they learned about Jesus. I asked her who Jesus was and she replied by saying,

"You know, like JEEZ LOUISE!!" Then I had to be revived after succombing to a cute overload.




"Do what you can with what you have, with the time in place, in the place you are."

Old Post 05-08-08 10:33 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

croque1 and fallforward

I am sitting here with the biggest grin on my face. You two have absolutely made my day....maybe my week. I would rather hear real-life stories like those than any joke out there. Simply priceless!!! Art Linkletter had the best show on tv, IMO.....Cosby revived it for awhile.....I wish someone would bring it back.

Kids DO say the darndest things!




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America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 05-08-08 11:49 PM
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tdbabe
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Art Linkletter

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Im58XcqDu9M




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 05-08-08 11:59 PM
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Curdawg
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Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

heres a good one td

I took my then 3 year old to get her some art supplies, she loves to paint and draw. We got to the cashier lady and she asked Gracie if those were for her, she said "yes mam, i'm an artist. The lady asked her how long had she been an artist and Gracie replied "every since i was a "little" girl just as serious as she could be....i'll never forget that.

Vic




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 05-09-08 02:00 AM
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tdbabe
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Posts: 7262

I can picture Gracie saying that......LOL! I am just amazed by little children and what they say sometimes.

We are born with logic, wisdom, and pure honesty. What the heck happens later on? Puberty I suppose, it's those darn hormones! LOL

Keep them coming gang........I will share some too.




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America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 05-09-08 02:16 AM
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tdbabe
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My daughter called me at work one day, all excited to tell me she was baking cookies. I think she was about 7.....under the supervision of her Dad. She said "Mommy...the recipe said to add baking soda, so I used Ginger Ale."

I just said "That's great honey....I can't wait to come home to have some." (I could hardly contain myself.)




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America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 05-09-08 03:29 AM
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AngryBeavers
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Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 1555

Not quite as funny as those, but these crack me up. Yes, I know I am biased so its' ok if you don't find em' as funny as I do...

my seven year old during a recent soccer game....
Another child stole the ball from him. It was the week after Easter. As my son is chasing him he is screaming "Oh no you don't. Come back here you Easter Bunny"

same son... a couple of weeks ago I take him golfing. Every time we get in the cart he says "Can I drive?" I tell him he can help steer - he says "Well then, what are you waiting for... Step on it!"

During that same round of golf my tee shot on a par three ends up left on the green, in a bunker. The group behind us had pulled up to the tee as we were waiting to hit. The group in front of us was pretty slow but the whole course was pretty backed up. In front of his new found audience he proclaims " Dad, that wasn't the shot we were looking for!"

During a coaches pitch game last year he steps up to the plate. He has this very serious look on his face. He taps his spikes, which I ought to add have no dirt in them, but plenty of dust. I am the coach and am pitching. He looks at me. Taps the plate, starts to stare me down and says loud enough for all to hear "Bring the heat, Meat!" In all fairness he has said that a bunch of times during backyard whiffle ball games, but never in a "real" game. I still had to laugh. He then promptly raps a double down the third base line......

I could go on and on...

Old Post 05-09-08 03:33 AM
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31bullets
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Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

angry beavers...

my 4 and a half year old stomped off of the t-ball field after not catching a ball for 4 innings and told me..."daddy, this is the worst day of my life...i havent caught a ball yet..."...but she had 3 singles and a double....




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 05-09-08 03:43 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!!!!!! He's a character!! Those were hysterical......keep sharing....I love it!

BTW, I can tell who your son's hero is just from these stories.




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

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America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 05-09-08 03:47 AM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

little Gracie again

She's my grand daughter who's 5 now. Last summer i went and had two implants put in after a accident. Gracie came out on the back porch and layed down in a swing while stareing at her grampy. What she said next blew me away "Grampy since you got those "pretend" teeth you need to get you a "rug" now. I keep my head shaved and had no idea she even knew what a rug was. All this with a straight face and i busted out laughing. That is a "classic" to me.

One day we were in town and i'm always kidding with her. I saw a beautiful woman walking down the street and said Gracie that woman would make Grampy a beautiful girlfriend, would'nt she? Gracie looked at me and said just as serious and replied "Grampy you better keep your cap on" (like if i had any chace to get this woman i had better keep my cap on) another unforgetable classic to me.......Vic




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 05-09-08 06:42 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!!!!!!!! She is adorable....so intuitive too! At 5, how the heck....oh never mind. These kids are hip to things well beyond our scope. I just love this!!!




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America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 05-09-08 07:14 PM
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AngryBeavers
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31 Bullets
That's pretty funny stuff right there... ;

Old Post 05-09-08 08:21 PM
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