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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

loved it

have you been checkin my family tree?

moma got even

i love it

vic




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 02-22-08 02:01 AM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

loved it

have you been checkin my family tree?

moma got even

i love it

vic




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 02-22-08 02:01 AM
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duckman
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2005
Posts: 2671

Another blonde joke

Q: How can you tell a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: By the M & M shells on the floor!




All things being equal, when in doubt, take the underdog.

Old Post 02-24-08 01:52 AM
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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

Funny Pats Fan

http://youtube.com/user/Fitzy01821



Some colorful language...




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 02-24-08 06:44 PM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

Subject: "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 02-26-08 03:34 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

I just can't.........I mean I just can't.......contain myself after that one.




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 02-26-08 03:38 AM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...



The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.



What is your first request?"



The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."



The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.



As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.



The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"



The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.



Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.



The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"



The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."



The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.



Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE".




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 02-27-08 03:26 AM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

Gators





Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,


'I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me.
We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'



'Well,' said the big 'gator, ' What you been eatin', boy?





'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small 'gator.

'Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?'


'Down 'tother side of the swamp Near the parkin' lot by the capitol'



'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ' em?'

'Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus cars



And wait fer one to open the car door.



Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, Shake the **** out of 'em, and eat 'em!'


'Ah!' says the big alligator,'I think I see your problem.You ain't getting' any real nourishment.'
'See, by the time you get done shakin' The **** out of a Politician,


There ain't nothin' left but an ******* and a briefcase!'




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 02-28-08 05:02 AM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

oops...forgot to censor that one...sorry SF




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 02-28-08 05:03 AM
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Chico1856
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you
twenty years.’

But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty,the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 03-06-08 04:52 PM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 03-08-08 04:20 AM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________
________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
____________________________ _ ________________________________________
___

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
________________________________________
_______________________________

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________ ________________________________________
__________________

OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is"

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
______________ ________________________________________
________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
__________________________________ _____________________________________ < /P>

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she tu rned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

________________________________________
_______________________________

THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 03-11-08 04:47 AM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

Boudreaux was in big trouble. He forgot Valentine's Day. His wife was really angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'



The next morning, Boudreaux got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Boudreaux has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 03-11-08 04:47 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

LOL!




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 03-11-08 04:52 AM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.

"Faith and begorra,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous Blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 03-13-08 03:20 AM
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Riverfish
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

lol, that's a good one!

Old Post 03-13-08 11:16 PM
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AngryBeavers
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 1555

Particularly Good one given Spitzer's recent um... activities

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a
>
> rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties
>
> or early fifties.
>
>
>
> "May I help you?" she asked.
>
>
>
> "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
>
>
>
> "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive
>
> ladies. Perhaps you would prefer some one else," said the madam.
>
>
>
> "No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
>
>
>
> Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the
>
> man that she charged $5,000 a visit.
>
>
>
> Without hesitation, the man pulled out five
>
> thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
>
>
>
> After an hour, the man calmly left.
>
>
>
> The next night, the same man appeared again,
>
> once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no
>
> one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and
>
> there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
>
>
>
> Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to
>
> Valerie, and they went upstairs.
>
>
>
> After an hour, he left.
>
>
>
> The following night the man was there yet again.
>
> Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
>
> night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
>
>
>
> After their session, Valerie questioned the man.
>
> "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you
>
> from?" she asked.
>
>
>
> The man replied, " South Carolina ."
>
>
>
> "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina "
>
>
>
> "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
> attorney.
>
> She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
>
>
>
> The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain
>
> 1. Death
>
> 2. Taxes
>
> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
>
>
I ought to add that as a lawyer I thought this was funny!

AB

Old Post 03-13-08 11:55 PM
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Bytore
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jan 2003
Posts: 15319

Very funny!!! LOL!!!

$5000 a screw. I still think it's a little pricey...




"Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you
And the space he invades, he gets by on you..."

RUSH

Old Post 03-14-08 12:03 AM
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31bullets
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Nov 2006
Posts: 4381

2 Nuns and a Blind Man





Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last
Instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one
Single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it the two nuns
Decide to lock the door of the room strip off their habits and paint
Naked. In the middle of the project there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man" replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other shrug and deciding that no harm can
Come from letting a blind man into the room they open the door.

"Nice boobs" says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"




"If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.." Cosmo Kramer
"Giddy-up!" --Kramer
"Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives...."MGMT
If your dog won't jump off a dock, it is just a mutt

ozarkmountaindockdogs@gmail.com

Old Post 03-17-08 03:24 AM
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mikeb104
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 7727

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."



I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."




"Not everything you read on the internet is accurate"- Abraham Lincoln

Old Post 03-17-08 02:03 PM
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