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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

Tis the Season

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0n7tJoY2Gc




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 11-28-07 10:21 PM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Chico....there appears to be a night job opening on December 24th. lol




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 11-29-07 12:21 AM
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fallforward
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: May 2007
Posts: 2688

so there's this little kid ridin' on a bus and he is putting back candy bars one after the other, he eats ten in a row in less than 10 minutes. This old man says to him from acrossed the aisle,

"Ya know son, if you keep eating candy bars like that you'll be dead in no time." The little kid shot back with,

"Oh yeah welll my grand fatha lived to be a hundred and three!"

"Did he do it by eating so much candy?" asked the old man. The little kid put down the candy bar and said,

"No! He did it by minding his own f-ucking business!"

GL fellas!
ff




"Do what you can with what you have, with the time in place, in the place you are."

Old Post 12-02-07 07:12 AM
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tdbabe
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Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

Nice kid! lol




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 12-02-07 08:09 AM
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thedoc
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 11024

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their
usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and
asked him what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said 'Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every
day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great
stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he
needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any Jewish rye
bread?'

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you
like some?'

He said, 'I want 5 loaves.

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get
to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard'

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world
knows about this **** but me.'

Old Post 01-07-08 05:45 AM
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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

LOL DOC!




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 01-07-08 08:04 PM
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mikeb104
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 7727

Another one

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.


In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the Intensive Care Unit.


The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.


As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.


She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice, complimentary, from the last shop. She was jubilant.


Then, she remembered her husband.


Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.


The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take!


"For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his caregiver!"


The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed ...


The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"




"Not everything you read on the internet is accurate"- Abraham Lincoln

Old Post 01-09-08 03:07 PM
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Riverfish
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Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

Jesus and the robber

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"




My YouTube Channel

Old Post 01-11-08 06:21 PM
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Chico1856
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Registered: Sep 2005
Posts: 6165

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to kill most of us sitting here. Red
meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food
is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long term harm caused by germs in our drinking water.
But
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us
will eat it or have already eaten it. Can anyone here tell me what
food
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year old gentleman sitting in
the
front row raised his hand and softly said "wedding cake."




http://unmetneeds.com/

LIFE: Sometimes you're the baby, sometimes you're the diaper

Old Post 01-19-08 07:25 PM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

forgive me td....friends send these e-mail

MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS


A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,


"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 01-21-08 03:45 AM
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Curdawg
StatFox Legend

Registered: Feb 2007
Posts: 7463

BAD SUNBURN

I was just wondering if you nurses had heard of this treatment?

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible
sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to
blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous
intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra
pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for
him,Doctor?

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."




Always bet AP's number 11 who will be trying hard to get into Top 10...

Old Post 01-21-08 03:48 AM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

I needed some good laughs today.......those were funny vic.




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 01-21-08 05:08 AM
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Craiger
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Jul 2006
Posts: 4519

What does the Virginia Tech football team and marijuana have in common?

They both get smoked in a bowl.

Old Post 01-21-08 09:12 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

WITH A FIVE YEAR OLD, WHAT
> YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET;
>
> READ ON.
>
> A Frickin' Elephant
>
> Jake is 5 and learning to read.
>
> He points at a picture in a zoo
>
> book and says,
>
> 'Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!
>
> Deep breath ... 'What did you call it?'
>
> 'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!
>
> It says so on the picture!'
>
> and so it does ...
>
> ' A f r i c a n Elephant '
>
> Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 01-22-08 06:43 PM
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doubleornothing


Registered: Jun 2007
Posts: 140

GOOD-UN TD

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
Submitted by: Ron Milos on Thu Dec 14 10:46:54 PST 1995


THE SECOND BEST JOKE
Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...
Submitted by: Dirk Haueter on Sun Dec 3 20:36:35 PST 1995


THE THIRD BEST JOKE
Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
Submitted by: Sue Ferguson on Fri Dec 15 16:49:56 PST 1995



THE FOURTH BEST JOKE
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Submitted by: Josh Leonard on Thu Nov 16 16:49:06 PST 1995



THE FIFTH BEST JOKE
There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"
Submitted by: Buddy on Mon Dec 4 16:03:30 PST 1995



THE SIXTH BEST JOKE
If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?
Submitted by: David Charriere on Sun Dec 3 16:28:53 PST 1995
(Is someone keeping an eye on this kid?)



THE SEVENTH BEST JOKE
Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confonted by a policeman. "Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer", "The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith". The third said "My name is Ken.....TuckyFriedChicken"
Submitted by: Laurence Hook



THE EIGHTH BEST JOKE
What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Submitted by: P.J. Veber on Tue Nov 28 21:54:52 PST 1995



THE NINTH BEST JOKE
President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"
Submitted by: Jenny Doman on Wed Nov 22 01:46:25 PST 1995



THE TENTH BEST JOKE
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!
Submitted by: Amie Alter




You lose 100% of the shots you never take

NCAAF - 7-2-1------78%

Old Post 01-22-08 09:02 PM
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doubleornothing


Registered: Jun 2007
Posts: 140

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an *******," John said. "**** on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.




You lose 100% of the shots you never take

NCAAF - 7-2-1------78%

Old Post 01-22-08 09:07 PM
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doubleornothing


Registered: Jun 2007
Posts: 140

SICK

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."




You lose 100% of the shots you never take

NCAAF - 7-2-1------78%

Old Post 01-22-08 09:09 PM
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doubleornothing


Registered: Jun 2007
Posts: 140

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"




You lose 100% of the shots you never take

NCAAF - 7-2-1------78%

Old Post 01-22-08 09:11 PM
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer

Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"






"Ralph, for the FIFTH Fr****n' time....... CHICKEN!"




Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.

http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

Old Post 01-26-08 02:51 AM
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Riverfish
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Dec 2006
Posts: 2913

A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."




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Old Post 01-26-08 10:33 PM
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