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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Raising Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short
skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store,
glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the
counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location
of the raisin bread
- on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd
like some raisin bread, please."
She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young
man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she
comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is
having company for dinner.As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread,
one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking
quickly, he orders a loaf of
raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up
the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male
customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to
watch the young woman climb up and down the ladder. After many trips,
she is tired, irritated, but thinking she is really going to have to try
the raisin bread herself.

Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for
another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below.
She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up
at her who hasn't yet placed an order. Thinking to save herself another
trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours
raisin, too?"
"No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

Old Post 06-17-18 09:20 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

PHILLY GIRL

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their housekeeping duties.

The first man had married a woman from Maryland and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house.

He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from West Virginia and he bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Philadelphia girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

Old Post 06-19-18 10:38 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

THE HORSE BET

The other day, a woman came out of the kitchen and when her husband approached, she slapped him up side the head, WHACK!

He was a little dazed and asked, "What was that for?"

She said, "I was cleaning out your pants to put them in the laundry and I found a piece of paper with the name "Foxy Roxy" on it!"

"Honey, you know that I went out the other day with the boys to the race track. I bet on a horse named "Foxy Roxy" and we won a lot of money on it."

She felt so bad that she fixed him his favorite dinner and really treated him good, since she had made this terrible mistake in not trusting him.

A few days went by and the husband came through the door and "WHACK," she smacked him up side the head again.

He said, "Ow! What was that for?

She replied, "Your horse called today!"

Old Post 06-21-18 02:15 AM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Some Lawyer Humor

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

"I know," the old man sighed, "they say you can't take it with you. But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. Suppose the Egyptians were right. I'd like to have something with me, just in case."

His three advisors looked at each other in silent wonderment.

"So," continued the old man, "I am giving each of you an envelope containing $100,000.00 in cash. I would be deeply grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that cash is useful, I'll have a nest egg for eternity."

They each solemnly agree to carry out his last wishes.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of his three advisors were seen slipping their envelopes into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor, becoming quite emotional, turned to the other two and said, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."

At this the priest, a tear in his eye, said: "I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our small church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested."

Fixing his sternest gaze on the doctor and the priest, the lawyer, shaking his head in disgust, said, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn promises to our dear old friend and benefactor."

The lawyer, pointing an accusing finger at the doctor and priest, said: "I want you both to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full $100,000.00!"

Old Post 06-25-18 10:58 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

DRINKING HUMOR

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and says to the crowd of drinkers, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll bet $500 American dollars that no one in here can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman smiles, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Old Post 06-28-18 10:37 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Lawyer with a Heart

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

Old Post 07-02-18 09:00 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

OSAMA JOKE

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said,"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and
66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

Old Post 07-08-18 01:56 AM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

A Love Story

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Ireland, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that. "

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR Bleep-Bleep BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR MOTHER****ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, *******?"

...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

Old Post 07-10-18 09:23 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Hillbillies at a Bar

Two hillbillies from Tennessee walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operations.

Suddenly, a woman at nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?"
The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to
turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her butt cheek a lap with
his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to
the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick
Maneuver", but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Old Post 07-16-18 07:34 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread,
butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

"You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
them into croissants and sell them to the States."

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.
In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,
and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the States."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France.

Old Post 07-22-18 08:30 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Subject: Three Old Ladies at the Ball Game

This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.
They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing
the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of
innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are
on base?



Think!




Answer: it's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded........

Old Post 07-29-18 07:53 PM
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ronnie111
FoxDen Hall of Famer

Registered: Feb 2009
Posts: 6774

the man could not afford personalized license plates so he changed his name to
JBL-4358.




"it's getting late early"
Yogi Berra

Old Post 08-05-18 05:58 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Is it a Fix?

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in
the area around Crowley, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Boudreaux to
investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning.


"Dey is tree main groups in dis **** fightin'" he began.



"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.



Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."



Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"



"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat **** fight. I knowed the
Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."



The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"



Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when
summbody bet on de duck."



"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"



"De duck won."

Old Post 08-05-18 09:15 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Social Security Sex

Two women were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex,"

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know:
>
>
>
>
>
>
I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"

Old Post 08-09-18 07:39 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

Old Post 08-13-18 08:49 PM
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oldguy


Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 396

Lecturer

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.



"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.



"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.



"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.



"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.



The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."



The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.



The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."



The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!"

Old Post 08-19-18 10:36 PM
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