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NY-Sports Fan
Banned User
Registered: Jun 2007
Posts: 326
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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying , "God bless Mommy,
God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy , and good-bye grandma." The next day
the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in
contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He
couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his
office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the
clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He
felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at
every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's
the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the
worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
Ragtop:Banned User
Registered: Orginal Forum: Circa: 7/02-Revised forum 01-09-03
Exiled/Banned: 06-22-06-
Self Resurrected: 06-10-07
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07-24-07 07:24 PM |
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SliPKnuT
FoxDen Hall of Famer
Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512
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Lawyer From New York
A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there, he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"
The cowboy replied, "See them thar' sheep up on that hill. We just go get us one."
"That is disgusting and barbaric!" replied the lawyer.
After about three months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy, "That's the sheriff's gal you're with!!"
"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."
Ambrose Bierce
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07-25-07 03:39 AM |
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SliPKnuT
FoxDen Hall of Famer
Registered: Feb 2006
Posts: 2512
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Is the glass half empty or half full?
A well-known proverb states that an optimist would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?
The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.
The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.
The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.
The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, “What did your mother say about the glass?”
The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colorless, odorless liquid, the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.
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07-25-07 04:15 AM |
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tdbabe
StatFox Hall of Famer
Registered: Oct 2003
Posts: 7262
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Bubba The Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he
looked nice.'
'So, I just switched the heads.'
Please view this site. Donations of any kind are always appreciated by these brave people.
http://www.anysoldier.com/index.cfm
America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!
Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.
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07-25-07 04:35 AM |
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