A couple had been married for 50 years._
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'_
'I know,' the old man said. _'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'_
'Well,' Granny snickered. _'Let's relive some old times.'_
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table._
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'_
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. _ 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal'_

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday._
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?’_
The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, sir?’_
‘We have: Workout Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.’_
The amazed father asks: ‘It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’_
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir...’_
‘...Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a cute little key chain made with Ken's testicles.’

Those were great.LMAO

Ha!

Nice TS! Thanks!!!

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash._
The pilot says ‘Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them’_
The lawyer says ‘**** the Boy Scouts!’_
The priest says, ‘Do we have time?’

Anyway...here's another one

Teacher: 'Billy, If there are 5 birds on a fence & you shoot 1, How many are left ?'
Billy: 'None, the others would fly away.'
Teacher: 'The answer is 4, but I like the way you think.'

Billy: 'I have a question for you, Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones, 1 licking, 1 biting, & 1 sucking. Which one is married ?'
Teacher nervously answers: 'The one sucking ?'
Billy: 'The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, But I like the way you think !!!!....'

An extremely ugly woman walks into a store with her two kids. The man at the counter asks, ‘Are they twins?’_
The woman says, ‘No, he's nine and she's seven.’ Then she says, ‘Why? Do you think they look alike?’_
‘No,’ he replies. ‘I just can't believe you got laid twice!’

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.



He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'



The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'



Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU..



There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:



One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.



The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'



The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'



To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'




LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)




Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.



'Why?' asks the father?



'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.



'But that's right!' says his dad.



'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''



'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.



'That's what I said!'





LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH




Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'



RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'



Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'



Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'





LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR




Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!'



The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'



Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if

you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!'





LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)




One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.



First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'



'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.



'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'



She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.



'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f....... beautiful!''




LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER




Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'



Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'



The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f........ business.





I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car
going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of
them!"

It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diplomas but Ralphy . At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shout, "Let Ralphy graduate! Let Ralphy graduate!" The principle agrees to give Ralphy one last chance. He says, "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Ralphy, how many apples do I have?" Ralphy thought long and hard and then said, "Ten." The entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Ralphy another chance! Give Ralphy another chance!"

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter..

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, Stranger." "Howdy, Sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail and placed a big kiss on the horse's butt hole. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff, "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope...but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

http://www.snotr.com/video/5987

HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially for those that love fishing....Oh man, that was so funny.......

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts
flicking it all around
the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as
he's liable to
break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams.
"Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives
it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes
in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can
hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's
finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure
what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The
doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll
be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and
he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally,
he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30
years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

Three men - a Canadian farmer,

Osama bin Laden

and a White Trash Biker


are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley,

cracks a beer,

lights a cigar,

smiles and says.....

'Fill it with water.'

A real "Einstein" that one......idiot. lol

the invisible man married the invisible woman, their kids weren't much to look at either.

LOL!